Could I be happy?

Well now that I've been raging for so long, I begin to see glimpses of a possibility of a life of peace and contentment. Right now its all getting the house ready and dealing with work stuff, but past that lies the summer and beyond that freedom.

Its been a long time coming, but I'll hurry up home for to wake Nicodemus today.

Disabilism

I signed up for this so here goes, only I dont have much enthusiasm for it. So let's explore that, shall we?

Possible Reasons I cant be arsed blogging against disabilism

1. Well its just another crap thing, and I'm tired of crap things and dont want to be bothered with trying to figure out what I feel and what to say. I'm sick, I dont know why, no diagnosis, some day's I feel like I'm dying, I'm so tired. Other days I can get on with things. Some days, I cant walk worth a damn, some days I feel like I could throw away my cane. But I dont really feel anything much about it. It just is.

2. I'm so angry about the abuse that its hard to get worked up about disabilism

3. What good does blogging do anyway?

4. I'm in the midst of dealing with disability based discrimination at work, my job is on the line, but I really dont want to have to think about it today, just been through a really emotionally hard meeting and cant really face thinking about the next step.

So that's that I blogged about disabilism, only I didn't, I didnt really deal with any of the stuff

I'd say most of the stuff I dealt with except for at work was petty stuff, that is mildly annoying, but more due to people's misguidedness rather than mean spiritedness

With my boss it feels like he cant stand weakness (or perceived weakness) of any kind and wants to eradicate it from his world, so that means I have to go, only I'm not going quietly like a weak person should, so he gets even more annoyed with me.

I guess its that attitude that gets to me the most, the idea that now I'm disabled I should just humbly lower my expectations, "be content that I'm not cast out of the village with the lepers" kind of thinking. Well if I can still do my job, I can still do my job, and why should I give up my career, my livelihood, my financial security and lifestyle just cause the boss man is too lazy or dismotivated to make a few adjustments to my workmates schedules to accomodate me?

I'm not content to lower my expectations, I'm not about to be meek, and grateful for crumbs. I belong at the feast of life along with everyone else

Tears

I'm crying all the time. The pain is unceasing. I hurt because of what he did during our time together. I hurt because he didnt try hard enough to fix it. Even when I told him to go I had a secret hope that he would finally get his act together and go get help and fix it. Now he has moved on with a new woman and it hurts and it feels like the pain will never cease.

When we were together we were told that I should tell him all the things that he had done that had hurt me and I was too scared to tell him, scared he would loose his temper if I told him. Now it hurts that I wont get the chance to tell him. I so wanted it to work, I so wanted us to be happy together I so wanted him to be happy for us to have a happy family and its so hard to give up that dream.

Will I ever be over this? Will ever be free of the scars he left me with? Will I ever stop crying?

Dear Abuser: I saw your picture today

I saw your picture today on the internet. You were lying in the road about to be arrested. You looked so happy. It brought tears to my eyes. The look of love as you gazed at your new love. It hurt to see this directed towards another. I hope and pray that that gaze never turns to cold rage. That you never shout and scream at her as you screamed at me

Decorating

You were my world. I adored you. You repayed my love be waking me up in the night and shouting at me. Now finally I am decorating the home we shared together. We moved so many times, trying to find the right place, following my career, escaping your affair. All those moves I hoped this would be home, this would be the place we made safe and beautiful together, but that never happened and now I am alone in our house, my home, making it beautiful for strangers and I think my heart will break with longing for what I know I can never have. Why di you have to be so mean, why didnt you change, why didnt you protect me, why didnt you care enough to get the help you needed to be the man you wanted to be.

Now you have a new love and I think of you all the time. How could you move on so quickly, form a new home with this other. My heart will never heal.

April

April has come. Spring is here. You left in November, a dark cold angry month. Now that spring is here I can decorate our house and sell it soon. Then I will buy my own home and you will not have a key and I will be safe. The anger I feel for you is still there but it has settled down to a low boiling smolder. The embers glow but the flames no longer burn bright. Will I ever be free of the poison that you visited upon me with such disdain? A weekend away without you gave me a glimpse of what my life could have been like all these years if I had left you sooner. It was calm, peaceful, happy and companionable. I was not afraid, I was not worried about saying or doing the wrong thing. I did not have to make sure you had a satisfactory time. I did not have to convince myself that I really wanted to do whatever it was you most wanted to do or endure the consequences of your frustration. I never, ever understood how anyone could care so much about so many things that they all warrented screaming and shouting and shoving.

It really was all about control

I am unnerved by calm

I am unnerved by calm
I do not trust the peace that settles on the house
I look for currents and eddies in the empty air
I expect storms to appear in the blue afternoon sky
This is your legacy on my heart, a lifetime of learned fear